A Snake’s Life Ch 37

Chapter 37

 

Shuiren flinched and stepped back to avoid Zerpell’s hand. Shuiren’s body was trembling. Realizing his mistake, Zerpell looked down at his hand. It was stained with the other person’s blood.

“I’ve made a mistake again.”

Not long after returning to the palace, he had tea with Aiden at his invitation. Realizing he had ingested poison, he immediately drew his sword. That was natural for Zerpell. He believed that if he didn’t kill first, he would be the one to die. He remembered the screams around him and Aiden’s terrified expression.

A single impression always haunted him. Some people called him a hero, but he knew he was anything but. To win the war, to survive, he used anything and everything. Even knowing that people died because of him, he turned a blind eye to live. He had no hesitation in killing someone to survive.

Zerpell looked at the broken mirror on the floor. In it, he saw his reflection with blood dripping from his hand.

People often said being with him was being closer to death. Though the native lords expressed gratitude for the victory in war, they couldn’t hide their trembling hands. When he met the eyes of children, they often ran away or cried. Those who had seen him drenched in blood called him a demon. He believed that the smell of blood and death clung to him deeply.

“It’s only natural I’m called a demon. It’s only natural Shuiren is afraid of me… I swore to protect him, to make sure he’d never feel fear… And yet, here I am again.”

He felt the past, which he had tried so hard to push away, slowly eating away at him. Shuiren was hunched over and trembling. It was fear. Zerpell bit his lips hard. The feeling of self-contempt was suffocating. He had resolved to leave the past behind, but he couldn’t escape it. He had promised himself never to show Shuiren a frightening side of him. He slowly lowered the hand he had extended. Regret poured out endlessly through the cracks of emotion he had tried so hard to seal.

Zerpell turned his back. Keeping his distance from Shuiren, he said,

“Clean the room and treat Shuiren’s wounds. I’ll… step out for a moment.”

There was guilt in his voice. That voice snapped me out of my daze.

Did I just dodge… my master?

Zerpell had his back to me. Beside me, Ian was constantly speaking to me while wiping the blood off my face. He seemed to think I was in shock. Even as he tended to me, he kept glancing at Zerpell nervously.

“Let’s go treat your wound, Shuiren-nim.”

He tied a handkerchief around the wound so it wouldn’t bleed anymore. But I wasn’t paying attention to Ian at all. More accurately, I couldn’t. The back of Zerpell, who had always seemed so dependable and who had always been there for me, looked so small now. He always avoided talking about the war. My head, filled with assassins, now brimmed with worry—was he hurt by my reaction?

When I saw him turn, Zerpell was biting his lip, and the sharp look in his eyes was trembling faintly. Even then, he worried about me. But I had recoiled from him. When he reached out with his blood-stained hand, I flinched. It had been an instinctive reaction, not one I meant to make.

So much blood was on Zerpell’s clothes that I couldn’t even tell if it was his or someone else’s. In the dark, I couldn’t see clearly, but he might’ve been injured in the fight.

Is master okay? Is he hurt? I wanted to ask, but my voice refused to come out. My throat felt tight.

Cedric offered Zerpell a handkerchief. But Zerpell walked past him without taking it.

“It’s fine. It won’t come off anyway.”

I wasn’t sure if only I heard his voice as though he were crying. But hearing that, I knew I had to go to him.

Move!

I kept telling myself I had to stand up, that I had to go, as I hit my trembling legs with my fist.

“Shuiren-nim?”

Ian sounded flustered at my sudden movement. But I had made a vow just a few hours ago! When the living turned into cold corpses, I had made a decision. I had to get used to it, because I had to live in this world. I had hidden my trembling emotions and body.

I thought I had hidden them well… but when I saw it directly, the fear and anxiety I had suppressed came pouring out. On the surface, I acted calm. I said I was okay, pretending to be strong.

In the sanctuary, it had happened in an instant, and no blood was spilled. Casa had cleverly hidden the body in a sack. But this time was different. Blood had splattered into the air. I saw the life drain from the eyes of someone who had just met mine moments ago. The blood on the floor and the smell made my head spin.

I had seen someone bleed and fall only once before. My own death. In my fading vision, I had seen blood pouring from my own body. Maybe because of that memory, I had instinctively flinched from him.

Once my legs moved, I ran like a bullet and caught him before he could leave. I hugged his waist tightly. Startled by my sudden action, Zerpell turned his head and his eyes widened. Our eyes met only briefly before he looked away.

“…Shuiren. You’ll get blood on you. Let go.”

He was the one who told me not to avoid his gaze, and yet now, he was avoiding mine. Who’s letting go? Though I had caught him, I didn’t know what to say first. Are you okay? Thank you for saving me? Or…

“Master, are you hurt anywhere?”

“…”

“Anywhere?”

“…No. Don’t worry.”

“Really? I’m glad.”

Despite my earlier hesitation, the words came out easily. At my response, Zerpell’s lips parted slightly. His voice was so soft it was hard to hear, but I was so focused on him that I understood. He didn’t respond further, so I said it again. I was glad he wasn’t hurt. I said it with the brightest, widest smile I could muster, hoping he’d forget how I had just acted.

“Master, you were amazing! You saved me, right?”

“…Of course. I’m sorry I put you in danger… If only I had been more careful… Were you scared?”

“I’m fine. You came right away, didn’t you?”

Out of habit, Zerpell gently stroked my cheek. I rubbed my face against his large hand. But when I looked at him to see if he was okay now, his eyes still looked cloudy. He met my gaze directly. In a low, growling voice, he asked,

“Are you… not afraid of me?”

He looked at the blood on his own hand. When I rubbed my face against his hand, I felt the blood transfer to my cheek. Maybe thinking he had stained me, he quickly tried to withdraw his hand, but I grabbed it with both of mine.

“No! Not at all! You saved me—why would I be afraid?”

I tilted my head in confusion. His pale, distorted expression remained unchanged. Seeing his tormented face made the faint smile on my lips vanish.

“Um… earlier… I just got startled, that’s all. It was an instinctive reaction. There’s no way I’d be afraid of you. If I were, I wouldn’t have come to you like this.”

I hugged his waist tightly again. His hands hung limply by his sides, not returning the gesture. I gave a bitter smile but forced a warm one to follow.

“Let’s go wash up together.”

I met his eyes without looking away and said it. The blood smell was strong, and both Zerpell and I were stained with blood. To wash it off, I led him to the bath. While pushing Zerpell’s back, I told Ian to prepare the bathwater and gestured subtly for him to clean up the corpses so Zerpell wouldn’t see them.

Unlike usual, the bathroom was filled with a chilly air. It would warm up soon enough. I tried to get Zerpell to sit in the tub, but he stood like a statue.

“Master, sit down.”

Only then did Zerpell collapse into the tub like a puppet with its strings cut. I waited for the water to warm up. During that time, neither of us said a word. We both needed time to calm down. Ian had moved quickly, and warm water soon started flowing.

“It’s warm now. Let’s wash up.”

Since we were covered in blood from head to toe, I poured the water from above. He watched the blood rinse through his fingers and spoke.

“Death never leaves me. It clings to me, and blood always stains my hands. Nothing has changed. Not in war, not here… Killing to survive—nothing’s different. Is there even a reason I survived? Some call me a hero, but I’m no such thing. Calling me a demon is more accurate.”

At his confession, my mouth opened and closed repeatedly. I couldn’t see his face because it was lowered, but his voice sounded deeply tormented.

“You were afraid, too.”

His calm continuation made it sound like he had concluded my fear was true. I barely held back a sigh.

“…No. I wasn’t afraid.”

Zerpell didn’t respond, as if telling me not to lie. He seemed deeply shocked that I had flinched from him. He sighed softly at his own self-loathing. I hadn’t been able to reassure him. I gathered my thoughts in the silence, dropped the embellishments, and decided to just speak from the heart. I took a long breath and called to him.

“Master.”

He didn’t respond. I climbed onto his lap and held his face in both hands. His unfocused golden eyes met mine. In them, I saw a past he wanted to erase but couldn’t.

“Listen carefully. I’m not afraid of you. I flinched because… it was the first time I saw someone die. It wasn’t because of you. Honestly, I was worried you might be hurt.”

My chest tightened, and my eyes grew hot. The overwhelming emotion overtook me. I could clearly see that my one moment of weakness had hurt him. Pity for Zerpell made my tears fall. My tears landed on his face and rolled down. They fell without me realizing.

I wiped them away. I wasn’t the one who should be crying. Zerpell, who couldn’t lean on anyone and was being eaten away by himself—that was what I saw. My voice trembled uncontrollably, and Zerpell’s eyes widened as he looked at me.

“Killing someone was something you had no choice but to do, right? You wouldn’t have survived otherwise, right? So don’t blame yourself so much. And a demon? Who said that? Bring them here—I’ll scold them. Where could you find such a cool demon? To me, you’re already a hero.”

I just don’t want you to suffer. I hugged his neck tightly as I spoke. I poured all my sincerity into the words I wanted to say.

“I’m selfish. You’re more important to me than anyone else. So… thank you for staying alive. Even if you had to kill someone in the process… even if everyone else leaves you because of it, I’ll stay by your side and always be on your side.”

I was selfish. As long as he was alive, that was all that mattered to me.